2GIRLSONABENCH.COM

Queen of Frump

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 18:01:10 GMT

Tricia walks into a bar. Oh wait, or Siana's house. Holding a bottle of champagne.

TRICIA
Guess what? I put this ponytail in

my hair without looking in the mirror.

SIANA
Oh yeah, I totally can't even tell...

It's Thursday, whatever. We work and stuff. There's leftover champagne from Valentine's Day and a surplus of dark chocolate hearts from Trader Joes. And some movie theater popcorn and some other food we decided to eat, kinda healthy to offset the champagne and chocolate.

Asparagus, kale and spinach dip, egg whites.

We size each other up, and realize we're wearing old sweat-type-pants, oversized sweatshirts with stains down the front and slippers/unidentifiable shoes with mismatched socks. We realize, at that moment, we are the Queens of Frump.

SIANA
Or queen of frump, singular?

TRICIA
We do share one brain.

But now, down to the business at hand. Siana's spouse asked "what's up with the script" and other detailed questions that made us want to stuff popcorn in his mouth and tell him to go outside.

So now we have to work on it because somebody brought it up. We need to fix it. Why does this feel like a re-run?

TRICIA
We need more time!

SIANA
We need more popcorn!

We're actually going to work on our script now, so goodbye blog, hello re-write hell! Again. Damn, the champagne is gone. Again.

And if you haven't heard, we are walking for MS on April 28 and could use some support - please donate your spare change to the bench! #MSWalkontheBench #TeamAndrea

Our chi is blocked

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 13 Feb 2012 06:55:01 GMT

This blog was written on an iPhone 4s.

TRICIA
Wow that didn't take long what did

you type?

SIANA
That's all. I'm slow and it keeps

autocorrecting.

We're driving back from visiting our friends (shout out to the book club you know who you are) and only have an iPhone to write with. Because we are creative writers we are "making it work." Shout out to Tim Gunn, you know who you are...

We need a boost of some sort. The iced mocha coffee we got at 7-11 this morning didn't really work. It tasted more like chocolate milk, which was good, but not caffeinated enough to get us through the day. Even though the sign says "always fresh," it just didn't work.

SIANA
We should have bought the sausage muffin.

TRICIA
Or the donuts. Especially since both had over sized photos.

What we really need is to get inspired because Siana's chi is blocked or something cuz she's always cold.

TRICIA
Your cheese?

SIANA
No chi dummy like my chi is not in

alignment or whatever.

It must also be blocked or broken chi that is keeping us from finishing our script. But after being in the car for a while we start talking about our next project which is either a children's play or a sitcom about us. We're leaning toward the sitcom so we don't have to sew costumes or paint scenery.

TRICIA
Who would play me?

SIANA
No we're not going down this road again,

we already did that in another blog.

See blog where we decide which men would play us

See blog where we decide which women would play us.

TRICIA
I think we should send Tina Fey an email

and ask her how she got her TV show off

the ground.

SIANA
Yeah, and I'm sure she'll answer us

because she's not busy and has nothing

better to do than give fledgling writers

advice.

TRICIA
I don't really think of us as fledgling.

SIANA
Me neither, but I couldn't think of

another word, I'm trying to use all my

vocabulary so I don't swear as much.

TRICIA
How's that working?

SIANA
Shut up asshole.

We get bored with this topic and decide we should just finish our script before we get ahead of ourselves and email Tina Fey.

Also Tricia was wearing these socks under her jeans, and that's just one of the reasons why we're friends...

In other news, if you haven't heard about us doing the MS Walk, check out this link and find out why we're walking and how you can help! Seriously people, DONATE!!

Team Andrea!

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 18:07:27 GMT

The Bench is starting on a quest to raise funds for the MS Walk, and we want to take our readers on that journey with us. But to start our journey, we first have to tell you about our friend Andrea. When we first met Andrea several years ago, she was dressed like Jane Goodall.

Let us explain.

We were at a party for someone's birthday and it was a costume party and for the first time in our lives we were not dressed up.

TRICIA
But we had many plans, bad plans.

SIANA
Yeah and halfway through the party we were

like "thank god we didn't dress up" because

we would have gone way off the deep end.

It would have definitely been a Mean Girls

kind of situation.

People were dressed up in fake cute costumes like, "I'm Ana Kournikova and I'm wearing a short skirt and hooked a tennis ball key chain to my waist. I'm so cute and costumed."

TRICIA
I hate that. That's not a real costume, I

was going to come dressed as Charlotte's

Web.

SIANA
Which part? Which character?

TRICIA
The whole thing!

So we dodged that bullet. But somehow we encountered some delightful friends in modest, yet clever costumes, and that's how we met Andrea.

She was wearing a t-shirt, khakis and had a stuffed monkey around her neck. We said, "who are you?" And she said "Jane Goodall, duh." We knew right then, she was good people.

So technically we've been Team Andrea for a while, but now it's really kicking into gear. Andrea recently found out she has MS and she really has the best attitude about it. All her friends and family want to do something, so we're doing the MS Walk. And that means $$ people, so anty up. Go to our page and donate and tell your friends to as well.

MS Walk on The Bench
#MSWalkontheBench (for those hash tag folks...)

TRICIA
If every single person that follows us on

Twitter gave $1 we'd raise $11,000.

SIANA
And if every one gave us $5, we'd have...

wait, where's my calculator?

Anyway, it all counts, it all helps. So do it. You know you want to. Join The Bench.

Visit our page and join us!

In Celebration of National Popcorn Day... Late

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 04:25:00 GMT

Last week, on National Popcorn Day, we celebrated. Siana got a cool gift from her parents for her birthday, a retro popcorn maker thingy like they have at the movies.

TRICIA
Or Target, that's the only reason I go

there now, to get the popcorn while I shop.

SIANA
Turn it on.

We have popcorn and make it. It's fun and good. It kind of fogged up from the steam so you can't really see the magic that well in this picture.

Here's a side view of the dramatic popcorn popping out of the kettle.

Now that we have popcorn, we get down to writing.

We're on it. We're doing it. Tricia made copious notes while on a recent business trip and apparently had no paper because her notes are on napkins and baggage claim tickets.

TRICIA
I was being green and recycling. It's not

easy being green. Also on the plane I saw a

good movie you should see, cute lil Justin

Timberlake is in it.

SIANA
I saw it and you're right, I know what

you're going to say, our characters need

more problems in their background revealed.

Sometimes we learn stuff while watching other movies. It's like we're getting a film degree, for free. With popcorn.

TRICIA
Also, I think we should be in a flash mob.

SIANA
Yeah, cuz we have lots of free time to

learn a dance and go do it somewhere. I

spend all my time commuting.

TRICIA
I spend all my time chasing Baby Elise who

is no longer a baby and can run. She's

almost 2.

SIANA

That's in 6 months. Soon you'll be saying

she's going to graduate from high school.

TRICIA

We're almost there, we're 1/17th of the way

there. Will you host that party, I'm tired

and I don't want to clean my house, again.

SIANA
Sure, I'll bring my popcorn maker. Or

maybe we'll use that for her second

birthday party.

Now that we've figured out the party planning and convinced Tricia a flash mob may not be a good use of time right now, we're back to our GOD DAMN SCRIPT.

SIANA
I'm sorry, did I type that in all caps?

TRICIA
Stop yelling at me.

Somehow we have a few pages to mess around with and still hit our 30-60-90 marks, meaning that all our sex scenes stay on the right pages and we can still add more meaningful stuff.

TRICIA
Yeah, so now our main character has a

family issue that makes him stupid.

SIANA
And that has made all the difference.

You know what we mean. It's a date, it's a scam, whatever. If you know what that saying is from, get yourself some popcorn, you deserve it.

Want more popcorn fun? Check out our Bench Snackbook page on Facebook

A boy and his blank - and other plots

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:19:55 GMT

Sometimes we think it would be easier if we picked a more universal theme to write about. Lately we've noticed a trend in movie plots, most of them involve a boy and his blank, let us explain.

TRICIA

 Like that annoying movie with the boy

and his horse. Really, his horse finds

him after a war?

  SIANA

 How come it's never a girl and her blank?

  TRICIA 

I don't know, but now that we've mentioned

it I can't stop thinking about boys and their blanks!  

We make a list, it's that time of year when all we can do is make lists.

  A boy and his.....

A boy and his horse

A boy and his dog

A boy and his dolphin

A boy and his whale

A boy and his bike

Tricia decided to doodle pictures while we wrote this.

SIANA
Where did the banana come from?

TRICIA
I don't know, the monkey looked hungry...

Then Tricia drew the most telling pic of all:

SIANA

Oh yeah, that reminds me of every

war or cop movie I've ever seen.

TRICIA
Goes with the theme, boy and his gun.

SIANA

 We should write two girls on a bench

and their blank.

  TRICIA 

But what would it be?  

Another list.

Two Girls on a Bench and their bottle of wine.
Two Girls on a Bench and their dirty dishes.
Two Girls on a Bench and their unfinished screenplay.
Two Girls on a Bench and their chocolate covered toffee popcorn.

Yeah, that doesn’t really work.

TRICIA
Someone needs to write a sitcom about

us, because we’re funny.

SIANA
I wish we knew some writers that could

do that for us.

TRICIA
Duh it should be us.

SIANA
It sounds like so much work.

TRICIA
Ow my ass hurts. I pulled my sciatica.

SIANA
You better fix that, we have work to do.  

Back to back aches and writing. Dammit we're getting old...

Things that better happen in 2012, or else...

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 02:07:44 GMT

To celebrate a new year, we're toasting 2012 with lattes and mimosas - cheers!

It's a new year and we have big aspirations, big dreams and instead of resolutions we have a few lists. These lists aren't about losing weight or exercising more (boring, plus already broke those resolutions) but our lists focus on the important stuff in life.

SIANA

What’s with the weird metal hair guy next

to us?

TRICIA

I don’t know. Is that his girlfriend?

I just wonder like how that happened?

They do not go together at all!

SIANA

She looks like some sort of kindergarten

teacher. I’d picture him more with like

a buxom rocker chick…

TRICIA

This breakfast is a flavor party in my

mouth.

SIANA
Now we need to focus on getting stuff done.

TRICIA
Boring!

Our lists start with things that we want to see happen and things that better happen, or else.

Things we want to happen in 2012

We get together every week and work on writing
We encourage each other to succeed in life and live our best lives
We hang out more as friends and do normal stuff like go places and do stuff
Lifetime Movie Network will call us and ask us to write a movie involving popcorn, aliens and serial killers
We finally figure out the right combination of brown rice to lentils to perfect the healthiest meal in the entire world

TRICIA

What seasoning do you use? The pre-made

lentils from Trader Joes, right?

SIANA

I use olive oil and lemon juice and

sometimes toss in pico de gallo – but stop

distracting us, back to the list!

Things that better happen, or else...

We better finish our damn screenplay, or else... we're lame
Jessica Lange better win an Emmy for American Horror Story, or else... we're gonna riot
We better go get a pedicure, or else… our feet will be gross
That new TV show with men dressed as women better be canceled, or else… our faith in humanity and the networks will be shattered

TRICIA

They are insulting me with that show,

because Bosom Buddies was such a good show

and it’s not even an homage, it’s just bad.

SIANA

I hate it.

One more thing to add to the list, speaking of Bosom Buddies:

Tom Hanks better make a comedy, or else… we’re gonna forget how funny he is

Not really, but we do want him to make comedy.

SIANA

Like BIG, I need that in my life. I need a

movie like that to come out.

TRICIA

Or Money Pit. A funny movie not based on an

old TV show. Goddammit Tom Hanks.

Tom Hanks, if you’re reading this, please hear our cry for help. You are our light in the darkness of bad comedy. Also if you want to read our screenplay, that would be cool too...

Peanut Butter Cupcakes, That's What!

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 19 Dec 2011 13:49:28 GMT

We're finally together after weeks of whatever. We missed Tricia's birthday because she was sick, so now we're eating peanut butter cupcakes, cuz that's how we roll.

TRICIA
Yeah, these have no calories.

SIANA
Because peanut butter is made from peanuts

and they are a nut and nuts are healthy and stuff.

This logic will get us through the night, so will the turkey taquitos Siana made from left over Thanksgiving turkey. Don't worry, they were frozen, they haven't been sitting around since Thanksgiving.

TRICIA
Good because I was worried. But not

really because I just ate two of them.

SIANA
I froze a bunch, we'll be eating them

for months.

Now is the time of year when suddenly it's like really busy and time flies and it gets dark early and there's food everywhere. Some call that the holidays. We call it finals.

TRICIA
Losers will be shot.

That was a line from a show we wrote and directed in college, nobody was really shot, it was a metaphor. Represents a bunch of deadlines everywhere, nowadays it means a million cookies that Tricia has to bake for her family and Siana's extended family. Everyone expects it now, even Siana's inlaws, so losers will be shot. Metaphorically. And maybe for real too.

SIANA
That's why I don't bake, nobody expects

anything. I rule.

TRICIA
I should have stuck to something simple

instead of old family Danish recipes.

SIANA
They're so good, if you don't make

snowball cookies I will riot. Sorry I'm

part of the problem.

TRICIA
Do you know that I can't double the recipe

because they don't come out the same? So I

have to bake them all one batch at a time.

It takes forever. I usually end up crying

because I want to go to bed, but I can't

because I have to roll them in sugar one

more time.

SIANA
Yeah, that's tough, but we're all counting

on you so you have to do it. Sorry. Like

our show said, losers will be shot.

TRICIA
So what's the plan for the new year?

SIANA
We need to write more because all we talk

about is food and wine and we're supposed

to talk about writing.

TRICIA
Yeah, WTF?

SIANA
People are going to start to think that all

we do is drink wine, eat and talk about

writing, but never do it.

TRICIA
And it's not like that at all. Are you

going to eat the rest of your cupcake?

Is there anymore wine left?

We're glad this year is almost over, so we can start again. Anew. Afresh. Aleve. Oh wait, that's for when we drink too much wine. Anyway, we'll make resolutions later when we get through cookies season. As long as we make it through without getting shot.

Grateful in the Zen Garden

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 21 Nov 2011 04:22:47 GMT

Since we're leading up to Thanksgiving, we decided to be grateful. We also decided to do a real normal thing this weekend and hang out with each other, our spouses and Tricia's kid and not work on anything, except our friendship. We're grateful we had the time to do that.

Siana has a zen garden in her backyard, she's grateful for that.

The fountain in her zen garden is green and dirty, she's not super grateful for that. But it was fun to hang out on a bench in the zen garden with Baby Elise.

While on the bench, we contemplated some things we are grateful for and made a list, not necessarily in order of importance. Also we're grateful for other stuff too, but tried to keep this to 10.

Gratefulness List

1. Soup - if you missed Soup Month on the Bench Snackbook, you should really check it out
2. Benches
3. Text messaging - we have no idea how we'd communicate with each other without it
4. Baby Elise - duh that's easy
5. Each other - awwwwww....
6. Beevis and Butthead is back on MTV
7. Wine
8. Movies - ours if we ever finish it
9. Our spouses
10. Everyone that reads our blog

So go out there and be grateful and thankful and stuff. And eat a lot because the calories don't count from now until December 31. Happy Thanksgiving from The Bench!

Tiny Snacks Not Quite a Meal

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 03:18:17 GMT

It's time to get together. Finally. We've been so busy and sick the last few weeks we haven't seen each other. But we finally have time to guest blog about soup, pretty much our favorite topic (see our guest post starting Tuesday, November 15 on Writing Up an Appetite ) but while we wait for soup we have other snacks to tide us over.

TRICIA
Fried green beans count as a vegetable right?

SIANA
Yeah, zero points, the breading doesn't even count

because they're green beans.

TRICIA
And they crumble which means they don't stick.

Just put them all in the oven for a while, it

always takes longer than what the box says.

We love little appetizers. We call them "tiny snacks not quite a meal." Once on an invitation to a reading of a play we wrote we said we'd be serving "tiny snacks not quite a meal" to which people were very confused.

SIANA
I thought it was clear, like get it? Tiny snacks,

appetizers, duh.

TRICIA
It's not quite a meal, but if you eat enough of

them it will fill you up. Get it?

Seriously people emailed us and called us asking if they should get lunch before the reading or go to dinner afterward because there wasn't gonna be enough food.

Nobody gets us.

People showed up full to that event after going to big lunches or brunches and we had lots of appetizers left over that we had to eat all alone. We managed.

SIANA
The soup is still not ready, it's taking like 8

hours, I didn't eat lunch today and I'm starving,

break out those cookies you bought at 7-11.

TRICIA
Awesome. They were $1.79 and in case you couldn't

tell it says it in red really big and also there's

a price tag with the same price. They taste like

Girl Scout Cookies, but fat. Not fat Girl Scouts,

fat thin mints. So they're fat mints.

SIANA
And we don't have to freeze them because they're

available all year at our neighborhood 7-11.

God we love that place.

TRICIA
If you need a cookie, in the middle of the night

and you only have change, you can get these.

You can make it happen.

Next time, we're gonna look at our script. And come up with a new title. And that will be easy, right? We might need more cookies...

Baby Witch - A Halloween Story

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 31 Oct 2011 16:10:39 GMT

Once upon a time there were two witches. Sometimes people confused the word "witch" and accidentally added a "b" to the beginning of the word when referring to these particular witches, but rest assured, they were truly "witches".

One witch, we'll call her Donna, was also referred to as a bruja, which is Spanish for witch. A bruja is someone that also provides cures for ailments.

DONNA
Eye of newt? Like Newt Gingrich? Well that

sounds a little extreme. How about you

just take some valerian to help you sleep.

The other witch, we'll call her Misha, had a fondness for making strange teas and then crushing up vitamins in the tea which sort of left a strange chunky texture to the drink.

MISHA
I figure if I add calcium chunks to green

tea it's better for you.

After years of doing witchy things like writing strange performance art pieces, not shaving their legs and generally taking lots of vitamins and curing eye infections with chamomile tea bags, the two witches decided to settle into suburbia and keep the witch thing on the down low.

MISHA
We can hide it, mostly.

DONNA
Yeah, just don't tell anyone about the

whole candle lighting cleansing ceremony

we do where we burn pieces of paper that

say things like "lose weight" and "stop

eating chocolate".

One of the witches, Misha, had a baby. Now this is where the story gets interesting.

DONNA
I wonder if, well, I wonder if your baby

will turn out to be a witch too.

MISHA
You mean like that new CW show?

DONNA
Yeah, will she know about the herbals teas

and have a strange affection for Bob Fosse?

MISHA
They are all classic witch signs, not

sure, she did seem interested in listening

to the Chicago soundtrack.

One day while Donna and Misha were hanging out making soup, they turned around to discover that Misha's baby had suddenly turned into a Baby Witch.

MISHA & DONNA
Oh no!

BABY WITCH
Da!

DONNA
Well, it was inevitable.

MISHA
Yeah, I guess we'll have to share our

secrets with her now.

DONNA
Maybe she can help us finish our

screenplay... I mean witches brew.

MISHA
We can only hope.

BABY WITCH
Da!

Youthful Translator

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 05:08:49 GMT

We're working on our screenplay. Finally. And we found a phrase that someone pointed out we might be old school. Like we're old and the phrase shows how old we are. But our characters are young, so we need updated language. We need a youthful translator.

TRICIA TXT
If we were to say "killer weed" what would

be your youthful translation for that

phrase. Not that you know what weed is...

UNKNOWN YOUTHFUL SOURCE TXT
Well, NOT THAT I'VE EVER SMOKED IT, but I

usually just say "bud" or "weed". Good

bud. If I was a teenage/college super-

stoner I might use words like "dank" (noun

and adj), "chronic" (noun and adj), or

"ganj" (no a).

SIANA
I was totally going to say ganja with the

a. I'm lame and old.

TRICIA
This youthful source rules.

Now that we've got our youthful translation, we decide to move on to slashing and burning our script.

We're slashing and burning. We're cutting things left and right because we need our first sex scene to start on page 30. Because we've been told that the magic "thing" should happen on page 30 and producers and studios will just skip to page 30 to see what's there. And right now our cool thing is on page 33. By the way, our cool thing is a sex scene... gasp.

TRICIA
Cut that line, it's stupid, I hate it.

SIANA
Why do we describe everything

in their apartment as mismatched ten

different ways. Delete it

all,that paragraph takes up half the page. We need that page to get to the sex scene.

TRICIA
I hate their mismatched stuff. Why can't

their stuff match?!! Delete it!!

We skip to a scene with a drunk girl that is also doing some strange drugs. We hate her too.

TRICIA
Just a random memory from our youth, we

need that space to get to the sex scene.

SIANA
Cut her out, she's not important.

We cut out more random stuff.

TRICIA
Why is the character Zoe lighting tea

lights by the swimming pool on a glass

table? Really, a glass table? Cut it out.

She's just sitting there, that was like

two lines.

SIANA
Why is there a description of herbal

enhancement vitamins and sexual

enhancement vitamins and two different

descriptions of busty women in beer ads in

the liquor store scene?

TRICIA
I hate us. Cut it out.

We cut some more, and then suddenly, we check to see what's on page 30... and... magically... it's our beloved sex scene!

TRICIA & SIANA
YEA!!! YAY!!! YEAH!!

Or however you spell that word, you get the idea.

We make a plan to take an entire day to work on the rename-re-titleing of the script. It's also the same day we rename two of the characters. We are gonna need a kegger to get through that day.

Mushroom Sandwich (aka Portabello Panini Shabby Chic the sequel)

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 17 Oct 2011 06:23:25 GMT

So we're here again, at the shabby chic cafe, eating a mushroom sandwich.

SIANA
It's a portabello panini

TRICIA
It's a big mushroom. It's big and good.

We have a crush on this restaurant. It's like the college library, except you're allowed to eat and drink alcohol. Tonight we dine on mushrooms and vegan soup, and of course a bit of vino.

SIANA
Wait, did you see the crazy women staring

at me in line, like just a little too

close?

TRICIA
Was she wearing a costume? What was that?

SIANA
I don't know but I had to look away cuz I

knew if I made eye contact she'd start

talking to us. She was this close to me,

like fogging up my glasses close to me.

We came here tonight for the free wi-fi and to just get out of the house and hang out. And, oh yeah, to work on our screenplay. Yes we are still writing it, and yes, it's still not done. Don't judge us.

SIANA
Okay, if you read the first 30 pages it's

brilliant. We just need a few changes.

But just concentrate on the fact that we

are solid in those first 30. Solid.

Solid as a rock.

TRICIA
Break it out, I want to look at our

brilliance now.

Siana pulls out a folder and dramatically breaks it open to share our brilliance. Then we realize it's not our script. It's Siana's book manuscript (more to come on that later... soon to be down-loadable for your kindle).

SIANA
Oops.

TRICIA
In your defense, it does have text on the

pages with red mark ups. Very similar to

the script, just not quite.

SIANA
I guess we should just get another glass

of wine and talk about how good it is.

TRICIA
I think all the random people here are

going to inspire us to write new

characters.

We settle in, watching the people scattered all over this room restaurant. We wonder what they are doing here. There's a couple in the back corner in deep discussion, randomly making out under a very bright light. There's two girls pouring over a laptop that remind us of when we were younger and cuter. The women with the costume has thankfully left the building.

SIANA
Hey I'm glad this place has an A rating,

we won't die from food poisoning.

TRICIA
It's like it just keeps getting better.

Ok, next time we bring the script.

SIANA
Yep, next time...

Tonight! - Ode to West Side Story

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 17:01:48 GMT

It is no surprise that we love musicals. Tricia loves them the most, Siana loves them from a close distance.

                TRICIA
        It's true, I'm crazy for musicals.

                SIANA
        I'm like half crazy, not completely
        crazed but sort of a little loony.

We're doing our usual, eating, talking, trying to figure out how to finish our damn screenplay. And we get side tracked talking about a recent episode of Glee. We'll admit it, we both love Glee, we're Gleeks, whatever, it's a cool show.

                TRICIA
        I thought of you when I saw that episode
        with all the West Side Story songs.

                SIANA
        I know, I cried a lot. I feel like Kurt,
        I wanna play Tony too.

Siana's dream is to play Tony in West Side Story. Yeah, it's a stretch, but Tricia's dream is to play Tevia in Fiddler on the Roof, so you can see that these dreams are not based in reality. Here's the original movie clip of Siana's favorite song from West Side Story, all we could find was this subtitled karaoke version, so sing along:

                TRICIA
        Remember when I toured with West Side Story?

                SIANA
        Yeah, that was random and I visited you on
        tour and sat up in the spotlight booth and
        watched the show from the stage, that was cool.

                TRICIA
        Then I did the lighting for our college
        production of West Side that starred your
        husband as Bernardo.

                SIANA
        Yeah... why does everyone get to be part of
        this musical except me?

                TRICIA
        Cuz you don't sing.

                SIANA
        Oh yeah, well, there's that...

                TRICIA
        You're like Lucy trying to be in the show,
        but with prettier red hair, especially when
        you get a blow out.

                SIANA
        You said blow out.

                TRICIA
        What are we Beavis and Butthead?

                SIANA
        Yes, as it gets later and we get more
        delirious we turn into Beavis and Butthead.
        Deal with it.

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The Perfect Blog

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 19 Sep 2011 16:04:23 GMT

We have some time to hang out, we're eating a lavash wrap made with sliced gouda cheese, arugula and turkey, yum. It's the perfect sandwich wrap. Which goes perfectly with Lifetime's Perfect Sunday marathon. We're watching The Perfect Roommate and it's perfect.

TRICIA
We are just in time for The Perfect Roommate

and next is the Perfect Nanny and before that

was the Perfect Teacher.

SIANA
And after that is the Perfect Assistant and

that's it. These actors are awful.

TRICIA
Perfectly awful. I love it.

SIANA
Your computer battery is dying, gimme the power

chord.

TRICIA
It's no longer the perfect computer.

SIANA
The movie has only been on for 10 minutes and

I'm already lost.

TRICIA
I think when we're 40 we should make speeches

like this weird rich guy in the movie. So wait,

is it his birthday? Which one is the roommate?

I'm confused.

SIANA
I can't concentrate on the plot because the props

are awful. Did you see the cake, it looked like

it came from a kids birthday party, not for a fancy

high society party. What's with the cheap wrapping

paper? These look like props from our local thrift

store.

We watch as the perfect roommate tries to kill her non-perfect roommate by pouring fish oil on her salad.

TRICIA
I still don't get why she's killing her, what

is going on?

SIANA
Wow look at the laughing cow commercial, that

cheese makes you really happy! I think it's

the perfect cheese!

TRICIA
We are officially perfectly random, and I think

Baby E just woke up...

SIANA
And she's like the perfect baby

We go grab Baby E and decide it's time for a perfect walk, mostly because we need some perfect iced coffee. Luckily we live down the street from the perfect store... 7-11.

SIANA
I found the perfect straws.

TRICIA
Why is the red one so long?

SIANA
So you can push Baby E's stroller without

having to bend down to take a sip.

TRICIA
Perfect!

Baby E holds her water as we head home, we decide she's a little too young for coffee... There's a random mural on a store we pass all the time, and we pause to look at it, marveling at how often we go by it without seeing it. For E it's like a big story book, she points at the birds and laughs. This moment reminds us of our un-perfect script that we still need to finish. However, we want our perfect free time to remain perfect, so we decide to meet later this week and take up finishing our script... until it's perfect.

A Tale of Two Vacations

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 17:10:04 GMT

It was the best of vacations, it was the worst of vacations.

TRICIA
And the puking, did I tell you

about the puking?

Siana sips her wine slowly and says

SIANA
Yeah, you mentioned that.

Do you want some more wine?

Tricia and Siana both went on vacations, both overlapping between the same week. But there was a stark difference. Siana went to Maui on a vacation with her spouse and Tricia went on a family vacation for a family reunion to Chicago and well, there was some puking.

TRICIA
We all got the flu, I puked

in the elevator.

SIANA
Oh wow, was anyone there?

TRICIA
No, I waited until the bell boy

got out on the third floor and

when the door closed I puked in

the corner.

SIANA
Nice, you're such a lady.

Siana did not want to tell Tricia at this point that her vacation consisted of Mai Tai's and sitting by the pool with her biggest concern being where she would sit to watch the beautiful sunset over the ocean.

TRICIA
I called the hotel and said that

I thought someone puked in the elevator

SIANA
That is awesome, I love that!

We drink a little wine.

TRICIA
And then the baby started puking,

and then the baby got hives.

SIANA
God, well then it must have

gotten better after that?

TRICIA
No, it got worse.

This story just doesn't get any better, everyone else around Tricia's family proceeded to get sick, everyone was puking on any given day. It was awesome in that awesome way a flu just takes over and humbles everyone. Siana got quiet.

TRICIA
So how was Maui?

SIANA
Um, good. We were just hanging

out, we saw a cool sunrise.

TRICIA
Yeah, sunrise is cool, I think I

saw one when I was soaking the baby

in a bath at 4:30am when she woke

up with a 103 fever.

We decided to eat away the sorrows of a tough vacation, first we tried some polenta baked with a Trader Joe's tapenade on top.

SIANA
Yum, baked polenta, who knew?

Then we chowed down on some kona coffee/macademia nut chocolates Siana brought back from Hawaii.

TRICIA
I would have brought you a present,

but, well, I was just busy with

all the puke.

SIANA
Yeah, it's cool, I'm glad you

didn't bring that back.

Tricia then brought out a bottle of chocolate wine she had been saving for a special occasion like her talking about this trip.

TRICIA
This wine doesn't taste like wine,

it tastes like chocolate milk.

SIANA
With alcohol. Good choice. Let's

drink chocolate wine with chocolate

chocolates.

Awesome. Chocolate can easy any tale, even the tale of of two vacations.

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No More Words - A Tribute to Berlin

Two Girls on a Bench — Mon, 15 Aug 2011 04:16:37 GMT

Remember that song? "No More Words" by Berlin. We feel like that right now, we have no more words for our screenplay. Except we have to write another scene and we have no more ideas.

SIANA
I used to have a 45 of that song.

TRICIA
We may need to translate that for anyone

that was born after 1977.

A 45 is a small record that would hold one single song. And a flip side song that would be called the b-side.

SIANA
It’s so hard to talk about records

and explain them, I feel like I’m on an

archeological dig.

TRICIA
Remember when we had a record player after

college and started playing records for

fun. We found that Barry Manilow

record that said I like Beagles or

something weird like that.

SIANA
That was hours of entertainment when we

were broke. I had Debbie Gibson records.

And we both had Cyndi Lauper.

TRICIA
I had the Neville brothers.

SIANA
Yeah that was kinda random.

We turn to a new Chex Mix that Siana recently discovered that has chocolate in it and stuff. It’s supposedly low fat because the bag says it’s less fattening than chips.

TRICIA
It’s called Turtle and it’s good.

SIANA
It says there are 4 servings in this bag,

ugh! I could eat the whole bag right now!

TRICIA
No more Chex Mix! No more words!

We play the Berlin song again.

SIANA
When I was a kid my cousin and I made up a

dance routine to this song.

TRICIA
We should do that right now. I’d rather do

that than write the scene.

SIANA
Me too.

We console ourselves with ¼ of a bag of Chex Mix Turtle mix and turn to the blank screen.

TRICIA
If we do that dance you made up, can we

have more Chex? You know, cuz it will burn

the calories....

SIANA
Let's just write a music video because it's

shorter and there's no words. Get it, no

more words?

TRICIA
This is going to go on all night isn't it?

SIANA
Yep.

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